And then, the rain came.

I'm tired of the sound of my own voice

And I'm weary of adding to the noise
And I'm fearful of missing the point of it all 

 That pretty much sums up my feelings that began Saturday night and went through this morning, and when i heard this played on the radio on my drive back from dropping the kids at school this morning, the tears just came.

It was one of those weekends where the boys were at each other non-stop, and by day 2, my nerves were on edge and I just.couldn't.take.it.anymore.  Big time mommy-fail.

I had no wise parenting phrases eschewing out of my mouth. I did have plenty of "How MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO STOP IT??!??"  flying out left and right.  And "stop it' could have meant stop hitting your brother, stop spitting on the ground (or at your brother), stop slamming doors, stop yelling at each other, stop Stop STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, tired of hearing my own voice. Tired of adding to the noise. And so very afraid of missing the point of it all.

And the sad part is, that seriously, in the midst of all of the referring, all I wanted to do is put myself in time out.  Give them to their dad for the rest of the weekend and hide.  I did not.  Even though I got "You're the worst mommy EVER." a couple of times.  And "I HATE Saturdays here" (chore day, which btw, takes them all of an hour and half if they would just stop the moping and get it on with it).  I troopered on. 

After church we changed, grabbed the basketball and sandwiches and headed to Phelps Park - my thought was to get away from the house, outside in the sunshine and just play. Yea.  Well, that was just the crowning moment, let me tell you.  While Nate and i were shooting baskets on the court, Walker wandered off, skulking about in all of his pre-teen angst.  I tried numerous times to re-engage him and finally when i did get him to talk to me about what was going on - he started crying.  He said being at the park reminded him of when Dad and I were still together and lived a few streets over and it was just too sad being there.  What do you say to that?  We packed up and came home. No words.  Just silence.

I had defrosted chicken for dinner and when we walked inside - i put it back in the freezer.  There was no motivation to cook a great Sunday dinner anymore.  I truly felt like there was no point, the weekend was trashed, and there was no salvaging it.  And then, over left-over pizza, and watching a repeat of Cars, laughter returned.  Snuggling commenced and the rain started to fall outside.  

We needed the rain at my house. I needed God to wash away that which i could not. Thankfully, his grace allows to keep starting over, again and again.